So, after receiving feedback, I made some changes. There was a genius idea to have Lynn give the dog sausage instead of dog treats and that makes WAY more sense. Another change was rather than having Lynn run out of the car randomly at a stop sign, I gave her some room for thought and defiance when the car breaks down and her father explicitly tells her not to go anywhere because he knows she will. The biggest change I think I made in terms of character personality is this sense of an "oh no" moment that Lynn now has toward the end when she is just feet away from the animal because I think everyone has at least a small sense of regret when acting fast in the moment and it builds a bit more tension when the father arrives, as well. Let me know what you think.
Half-melted snow slushes around the tires as the car pulls into a parking spot at the supermarket. Lynn’s father opens the driver’s side door and slides out. Before closing the door, he peeks his head back in and says, “I’m just going to run in, you can stay in the car if you want.”
Lynn does not respond to her father as she is too absorbed in her phone. After a brief moment, her father says, “You have nothing to worry about, he’ll be fine,” and closes the door behind him.
Lynn continues to scroll through social media at a plethora of posts about lost dogs, but none catch her eye. Frantic and becoming more and more frustrated, Lynn begins to tear up as she scrolls faster and faster. While swiping all kinds of ways on her phone, Lynn has quick flashes of a moment just ten minutes prior when she and her father had come face to face with an animal alone in the high, frigid mountains. She sees the animal standing before them in the middle of the road. She hears her father saying “it’s dangerous and not to worry about it.” She sees it limp out of the way. She hears her father saying “wolves are intelligent creatures and know how to lure people in.” She sees it’s innocent, bright blue eyes. Lynn knows this animal is not meant to be out on his own in the wild. She frustratedly throws her phone at the dashboard of the car and throws her legs into her arms on the seat.
Lynn’s father beeps the car and places the shopping bag in the back seat before sitting himself in the front. He looks over at Lynn, still curled up in her seat, and closes his door with a sigh. He begins to drive.
“What would you even do if that was a dog up there? You can’t take it home,” he reasoned as the two started on their way home.
Lynn looks up from her knees at her father. After a brief pause for thought, Lynn quickly grabs her phone and begins calling as many local animal shelters as she can. As the phone dials, Lynn rummages through the bag behind her, taking a glance at the groceries her father had bought. She picks up a package of sausage and quickly places it back in the bag when the voicemail machine on the other end picks up, thinking someone has answered. She hangs up and calls somewhere else. Each time she calls a new location she gets a similar voicemail message every time, “Please call back within normal business hours 10am-5pm,” to which she would hang up immediately and try another.
Unable to get through to anyone and growing even more frustrated, Lynn yells, “Now what?!” In that exact moment, the truck makes a loud thud and begins smoking under the hood. Lynn’s father pulls off to the side of the road. He opens the door and looks at Lynn saying, “Don’t get any ideas, stay right there,” before slamming the door behind him.
Intently watching her father walk toward the hood of the truck, she grabs the package of sausage and bolts out the door as soon as he pulls open the hood. Running in the opposite direction, she yells back to her father, “No one can help me! No one can help that dog! He’s hurt and he needs somebody! He needs me!” He yells after her and struggles to follow her in the deep snow.
After running through trees and snow banks on the side of the road for some time, Lynn is met with those same big, blue eyes she had seen earlier that day as the animal emerges from the tree line looking at her. Relieved to have found him, Lynn smiles back at the animal.
Trying not to frighten the dog, Lynn places a sausage from the package down on the ground in front of her and begins to take a few steps back. The animal begins to walk toward the gift with its head held low. Lynn, realizing how close she is to a wild animal, begins to question her decision as the animal starts appearing to be a vicious beast. Out of breath, Lynn’s father comes running toward her as if to save her from the wild animal just a few feet away from her, but suddenly backs off as the animal passes the treat and rests itself into Lynn’s arms. All fear and worries have left Lynn’s mind as the two share a warm moment as they curl up together in the snow.
Today, Max has found his “furever” home.
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